Sorry about this...

It seems that each day I am becoming more and more depressed. I want new hair, new make-up, new clothes, new body, a new life. I have had a lot going on in my life these past few months. In a nutshell, the end of my marriage. Derek and I have been separated since July, give or take a week. I am on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day. One day I'm relieved, another day I'm sad, another day I'm worried, another day I'm mad, another day I'm stressed. Everyday, I feel guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I am trying to make everyone happy, but no one is happy. Least of all myself.

This post is not to bash on my husband. He is not a bad person, but he has made several bad decisions. I won't go in to the details and if you want to know you, can ask me. I am not ashamed of it. I have been ashamed and secretive about it for four years prior to now, but have learned to not be any longer. Secrets are not good for the soul. I have always taken care of him and everything for him. I have been "in charge" and I still feel the need to do this for him despite the fact that we're separated. He is falling apart and I can't help him. I want to, but I can't. He has to do this on his own. I have tried for four years to "fix" him and have failed. Yes, I know this is not my failure because you can't fix or change someone, but still, it's how I feel. How do you you get your heart (emotion) and your brain (logic) in the same place?

I put my house up for sale two months ago and have accepted an offer that is scheduled to close Dec. 16th. My sister, Tina, and I are buying a townhouse together which we will close on the week prior. I wanted a townhouse for the no maintenance factor. Plus, my house is on a busy road and I've always wanted a safer place for Kaden to be able to play. The timing couldn't be more perfect, but I feel like I am leaving Derek behind. I owned my house for four years before I met him. I paid most of the household expenses during our marriage (with the help of my sisters who have lived with me). Why do I feel guilty for my success? I feel guilty that I have these things and he doesn't. I feel guilty for having put him out of my house, even though he deserved it. I feel guilty that it has become a burden on his brother and his wife. Heaven help me I'm going out of my mind.

I always wanted marriage so badly. It finally happened and I was like, "This is it?" I guess I just picked the wrong guy or I was the wrong girl. You know, I've heard many divorced people say that when they look back they knew they shouldn't have married the person they did. It is true for me. What was a "bump in the road" then has only amplified as time went on, especially after having a child.

Now we're having a surprise party for my dad's 60th birthday on Saturday and we'll be seeing many people we haven't seen in awhile and they'll be asking, "Where's your husband?" I'm not looking forward to it. Anyway, sorry about this pity party. This post isn't to seek attention, rather I hope it will help work through it.  Blogging is journaling for the 21st century, right?